Hey everyone... it's that time again!
I've answered your questions before, and yet you still continue to keep asking them. All I can say is... be careful what you ask for!
Once again, we have a TON of questions to get through. So let's get started!
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The first two questions were along the same lines, so I've answered them both with one answer.
Dear Mr. Know-It-All,How do you know it all? How can I know it all??- ReganAND...
What don't you know, and how will you learn it?- Mom ThumbDear Regan and
Mom Thumb,
People often ask me how I so easily come up with all my answers, and the answer to
that is simple. Like any qualified researcher or scientist, I use tools. And in my case, I use a sophisticated query processor I built myself way back in 1990 using two of the most powerful answer engines available at the time.
Magic 8086-Ball Processor (TM)Since then I've found that no other resource - whether it be hardware, software, or webware - has been able to match my success rate of providing non-contestable answers to any question thrown my way.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,Where are my keys? Also, why are so few people that I actually would like to reconnect with on Facebook?- HeatherDear
Heather,
First of all, I have your keys. Don't ask. Secondly, Facebook has an algorithm built into it to automatically bombard you with friend requests from everyone you've ever met - EXCEPT the people you
really want to meet! It's all part of their attempt to get you to stay online longer and therefore be exposed to their ads for a longer period of time. Pure genius actually.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,How can the poop rules be applied to a public restroom as opposed to a work restroom?- MooseletDear
Mooselet,
First of all, thank you for this question. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that someone has asked about poop. As most of my readers know, this is one of my favorite and
most-published topics. You are obviously referring to
this post where I describe in detail the best way to approach pooping in an office restroom in order to avoid the embarrassments that naturally ensue.
I think you'll find that nearly all of these tips are easily transferable to public restroom usage. But just in case you don't trust yourself to remember these crucial details, I will be happy to send you a laminated card complete with every tip listed on this sheet.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,How is it that my husband is only 6 years older than me (technically 5 1/3 but really six), yet we have such different memories of childhood? - MichelleDear
Michelle,
Well technically, you
should have different memories of childhood - unless you and your husband were conjoined twins as children. However, there are two main reasons why this would be unlikely:
1. You are several years apart. The odds of your mother giving birth to only half of you while keeping the other half in her uterus for 6 years are very low.
2. Most conjoined twins who are separated as children rarely marry later on. I've only heard of one documented case and it was from Arkansas.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,Do you guys use studded tires in Minnesota?? And... Frosting or icing, which do you say?- ElizabethDear
Elizabeth,
No, studded tires on automobiles have been outlawed because of the damage they do to the roads. However, studs
are allowed on the following lighter types of rubber-ridden machines used in Minnesota during the winter:
- snow blowers
- motorcycles
- walkers
- unicycles
- prophylactics
Regarding the frosting/icing issue... we say "frosting" for the cake, and "icing" for the penalty.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,How did I ever manage to produce a son, with such a terrific sense of humor?- MomDear Mom,
Umm... remember when we had that awkward talk when I was 14 and YOU were supposed to be the one who explained everything to ME, but it ended up that
I did all the explaining to you? Do we need to go over this again?
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,You seem to be quite an authority on bathroom etiquette, so I am asking your opinion. Because many men enjoy wearing a wig and female clothing, should they use the mens or ladies washroom?- AnonymousDear Anonymous,
Technically,
you men should use the unisex or family restroom (preferably when there are no families in it), but if
you men must insist on using a designated restroom, this newly created alternative should serve
your their purpose just fine.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,We've all heard of String Theory but it's difficult to fathom. Can you help me fathom it?- JennineDear
Jennine,
Believe it or not, I actually struggled with this one. Even my patented Magic 8086-Ball Processor couldn't churn out a good answer. So, being stumped as to how to solve this complex issue, I turned to the 2nd most infallible source of factual finding (after me) ... Wikipedia! I didn't feel so bad when even they didn't trust their findings.
Bottom line, you can read about what they said about it
here. But if you ask me, it'll always be a mystery how they figured this out.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,Where can I get some codeine?- JDDear
JD,
I'm sorry to disappoint
you, but there's no way I
can tell you how to
buy illegal substances on this blog.
It is
from people like
Kathy where I learned my blogging ethics.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,Why do my neighbors get mad that I don't answer the door yet don't punish their stupid kid for knocking on my door and running away 50 times a day? Daily, for the past year? Am I supposed to open the door every single time just in case it's Stupid Kid's lazy dad wanting to borrow my phone? Because he'd rather spend his unemployment check on new subwoofers for his truck than on his phone bill?- Memarie LaneDear
Marie,
I worry that you're not fully communicating your feelings about this issue. It's a well known fact that harboring your emotions inside will only lead to stressful and angry feelings. Do yourself a favor and try to let it out.
Now, that being said, my recommendation is to go next door and give that boy and his father a big giant hug. Let them know that you're there for them. Tell them how you understand their concerns. Offer them your support. But most of all, remind them that if their bratty kid knocks on your door one more time you're going to blow like a shaken champagne bottle.
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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,LCD, DLP or Plasma? Also, what is a Black Cow? Why is it called that?- RogerDear
Roger,
I give blood on a regular basis, but I've been thinking about giving plasma because they actually pay you for the stuff! But I have no idea what type of contraption they would need to get LCD or DLP out of you - so my recommendation is to go with the plasma.
Regarding the Black Cow... I can't say it any better than
this guy. Plus, he brings up an excellent question - what the hell flavor was the Pink Cow supposed to be? All I can remember about those is that they sucked.
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Oh my... there were so many excellent questions
last time that I'm going to have to split this into two posts. I'm really sorry
Father Muskrat... you're just going to have to wait. But in the meantime, I suggest you wear one of those pine tree air fresheners in your pants.
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Normally, advice of this caliber is very expensive. If you feel you've received value for this service, please offer a small payment in the form of a smile. Thank you!
Read More......
Just wanna take a second here to send a little shout-out to our old friend Diesel - who has been nominated as one of the 10 finalists in the 2008 Weblog Awards for Best Humor Blog.
Back in February '07 he was kind enough to invite me to contribute to his Central Snark website. Unfortunately, 3 months after I came on board it closed its doors.
Then, back in March '08 he once again invited me to be part of his Clay Pigeon Magazine editorial staff. However, just a few weeks later it was shut down as well.
And to what am I referring? I'm talking about that rich annual tradition of writing and sending Christmas letters.
people share too much personal information
A few weeks ago Charli was going through some old paperwork when suddenly she blurted out a stream of startled gibberish.
